The Kool Aid Kid Discusses The Offside Rule Part One...

...As in, you play offside and we will no longer be a team.

Fact.

I've been fortunate enough, in this game of love, to have relatively good experiences.
I call it a game for good reason. There are rules, expectations, bets made and people disappointed.

So I think it's only fair, in the glow and aftermath of the world cup to discuss what I call 'The Offside Rule'.


I would hope that at this point in this game called love people- or more honestly, women- would be aware of the rules. And that people- and I mean men- would keep to these rules.

In the stone age a man would see a pretty young thing, bash her over the head and drag her to his cave. Submission.

In the ancient times your family would have to buy you a husband, a couple of goats and maybe a sheep or two and your husband might be convinced to keep, feed and water you.
...Even though your father 'bought' you a husband he would own you...

Fast forward and women are burning bra's, demanding to have a life not chained to the kitchen sink and low and behold a whole new set of rules.

No longer does a man need to open a door for you... You can damn well open it for yourself.

No longer do you need a man to keep and support you... You can go out, educate yourself, vote and earn your own high paying salary.

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm a serious feminiest.

I just want to make you aware of a few things.

If you can open that door for yourself, don't expect his to open it for you.

If you can earn your own money, don't expect to wake up one day and find yourself a kept woman.

And, if you can have sex with who you want, when you want, no strings attached... Don't expect the f*#ker to want to tie you down.


This is a very simple concept that seems hard to grasp for many an intelligent woman.

If my man can drink the milk for free, ain't no way he's buying the cow.

(For those who aren't crystal yet: If he can f*#k you any time he wants... Why would he want to have a relationship with you?)

He's been eating that free cake for a while now... If it was good enough to buy... Well... He should have had to buy it, before he got to eat it.
And trying to get him to buy it after he's eaten it is going to do one of two things: Make him vomit, or 'Dine'n'Dash'. I.e. Disappear.

Real talk.




Now, the reason why I have so far done so well in my relationships? Because I do things the old fashioned way.

(I believe that things in this world are black and white. Areas of grey are self created. Drama and stress is self created.)

So this is how I see things:

• If you like me, you either like me enough to be with me. Or you don't. Simples.
• [Aside from one horribly disgusting one-night-stand] I will only have sex with you- after at least a month- after you have declared- publically and openly- that I am your girlfriend.
• I am well aware of my boundaries and don't let anyone push them. I don't tolerate manipulation or any form of violence. I despise lateness. I refuse to be stood up. I'm extremely high maintienance and refuse to apologise for the fact. And I will not and never have been (to my knowledge) been cheated on.

I have even gone so far as to say:
"If you find yourself being attracted to somebody else more than me... That's fine". Remember that men are biologically programmed to sow their seeds and attraction is a chemical and visual process involving all the senses. To expect a man to only be attracted to you is both selfish and completely unrealistic. "But if you want to explore something with that person, you're better off breaking up with me and coming back to me when you're done" If you have a chemical, physical, emotional and mental relationship he'll come back... If not, sorry hun, you're screwed. "But don't expect me to wait for you."

Ultimately, I've never actually had a guy break up with me to try his luck with another girl. Because of my boundaries my boyfriend's decided that trying their luck was a gamble they weren't willing to bet on. I also think that I probably wouldn't get back with a guy who went 'on a break' with me.

But I have gotten back with a guy I chose to go on a break with, after a gamble of my own... I do now hang my head in shame- because that guy really liked me...

Which leads me onto my next point.




Women get sprung on guys all the time... which wouldn't be a problem if you had CLARIFIED your position FIRST you stupid woman.

Have you ever said any of the following? :

• I don't need him to tell me he loves me. I can tell by the way he looks at me.
• I haven't seen him in three weeks... but it's cool, I get that he's busy.
• No he hasn't explained why he hasn't spoken to me all week... But he's busy, he doesn't need to update me every 5 minutes.
• He told me he's not ready/ doesn't have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend. 

If you've ever heard any or all of the above, you're allowing yourself to be played for a mug mate.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't treat you with respect or consideration... Because, you, my friend, are allowing him to.

Don't blame him. Blame yourself.

Harsh I realise, but do you really want me to spit on your cupcake and tell you it's frosting?
No.

Honesty is the best policy.

And honestly? People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

If a guy treats you like shit and you confront them, it's quite possible he might change his MO for a couple of weeks- but if he goes back to his old ways after a couple of weeks? That old dawg can't be taught any new tricks.

If, every time he misbehaves you slap his nose then give him a cuddle (cause you feel bad) your sending that puppy conflicting messages.



Two questions:

1. The Kool Aid Kid: Why is a man different to a puppy? You: Gee... I don't know! The Kool Aid Kid: A puppy grows up.
2. The Kool Aid Kid: Why is a man the same as a puppy? You: They're both so cute!!! The Kool Aid Kid: No, you idiot. They can both be trained.

Now. I'm sure i'm repeating myself but here I go: people treat you how you allow them to treat you.
So, if the next time he doesn't call when he says be will, will you:

a) Call him
b) Text him
c) Start a fight
d) Be too busy to notice and not call him for a week (because your life is that awesome?!)

The answer's d pretty girl.

Point is, the best punishment for animal's/ men (and children: ask SuperNanny) is ignoring bad behaviour and praising good behaviour.

If that means you have to give him head because he bought you diamonds... So be it sister.

XOXO

The Kool Aid Kid