She Ra vents: i'm mad

No seriously....I'm REALLY mad.

Why is it every single time I log into my hotmail I get shit come up like '10 reasons your still single', 'what men really think of your makeup', 'things not to say to guys on a first date, 'how to be the 'one' in 5 easy steps'

thanks for the life advice hotmail, but quite frankly my advice to you is to go fuck the nearest phallic looking object lying around the office.

The problem with today's society is that we just aren't good enough. women are expected to be this android that does things in a venus fly trap manner to 'get her man'. Life isnt all about getting 'your man' by following pointless, and often detrimental advice, its about developing as a person, (not to sound like a douche) and discovering who you are. Who the fuck wants to end up looking like this bitch...

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://theheidimontag.com/userfiles/2010/4/29/images/Heidi%2520Montag%2520in%2520The%2520Hills%2520%2520Post%2520Surgery%2520Changes.jpg&imgrefurl=http://theheidimontag.com/articlelist.asp%3Fvt%3DSubCategory%26SCID%3D1511%26Page%3D11%26Gossips&usg=__PlQp5sff-sMSgPyH4IVayUOzn_E=&h=300&w=420&sz=33&hl=en&start=86&zoom=1&tbnid=i9l2L8sFC508bM:&tbnh=131&tbnw=184&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dheidi%2Bmontag%2Bafter%2Bsurgery%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26rlz%3D1T4ADFA_enGB388GB388%26biw%3D1419%26bih%3D632%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C1975&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=763&vpy=347&dur=15&hovh=190&hovw=266&tx=139&ty=137&ei=QYd2TNaYJs2TjAe64ZChBg&oei=C4d2TNuDH5CNONGH-N8F&esq=5&page=5&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:11,s:86&biw=1419&bih=632

Maybe I dont CARE what men think of makeup. Jesus christ, unless your a member of the band 'Kiss' then you have NO opinion on why we wear makeup. If we choose to wear bright red lips, or extreme cateyes, or wear enough bronzer to make us look a different ethnicity then we will. I had an ex who hated me in red lipstick, so I wore it all the time just to piss him off.

You wanna know WHY men hate makeup. Its because other dudes will pay you attention. funny how when you meet them, makeup is never an issue, and then all of a sudden, six months down the line its a problem. Also, a little FYI, we wear makeup for US, not for YOU. Its to make us feel better.

Every iconic woman throughout the ages has had her own distinctive makeup style. From Sophia Loren, to Bridgette Bardot (Nars and Mac both have items in their collection named bardot, in homage to her beautiful makeup pallette), to modern day icons such as Beyonce and  Kim Kardashian. Lets face it, it makes us feel incredible, and you would never leave the house looking like toasted shit just because some dickhead said you look better without mascara.

Noone looks 'better' without mascara.

Ladies next time a guy tells you to tone it down. Tell him to chuck out all his trainers. Lets see if he's willing to make the compromise.

The Kool Aid Kid Discusses The Offside Rule Part One...

...As in, you play offside and we will no longer be a team.

Fact.

I've been fortunate enough, in this game of love, to have relatively good experiences.
I call it a game for good reason. There are rules, expectations, bets made and people disappointed.

So I think it's only fair, in the glow and aftermath of the world cup to discuss what I call 'The Offside Rule'.


I would hope that at this point in this game called love people- or more honestly, women- would be aware of the rules. And that people- and I mean men- would keep to these rules.

In the stone age a man would see a pretty young thing, bash her over the head and drag her to his cave. Submission.

In the ancient times your family would have to buy you a husband, a couple of goats and maybe a sheep or two and your husband might be convinced to keep, feed and water you.
...Even though your father 'bought' you a husband he would own you...

Fast forward and women are burning bra's, demanding to have a life not chained to the kitchen sink and low and behold a whole new set of rules.

No longer does a man need to open a door for you... You can damn well open it for yourself.

No longer do you need a man to keep and support you... You can go out, educate yourself, vote and earn your own high paying salary.

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm a serious feminiest.

I just want to make you aware of a few things.

If you can open that door for yourself, don't expect his to open it for you.

If you can earn your own money, don't expect to wake up one day and find yourself a kept woman.

And, if you can have sex with who you want, when you want, no strings attached... Don't expect the f*#ker to want to tie you down.


This is a very simple concept that seems hard to grasp for many an intelligent woman.

If my man can drink the milk for free, ain't no way he's buying the cow.

(For those who aren't crystal yet: If he can f*#k you any time he wants... Why would he want to have a relationship with you?)

He's been eating that free cake for a while now... If it was good enough to buy... Well... He should have had to buy it, before he got to eat it.
And trying to get him to buy it after he's eaten it is going to do one of two things: Make him vomit, or 'Dine'n'Dash'. I.e. Disappear.

Real talk.




Now, the reason why I have so far done so well in my relationships? Because I do things the old fashioned way.

(I believe that things in this world are black and white. Areas of grey are self created. Drama and stress is self created.)

So this is how I see things:

• If you like me, you either like me enough to be with me. Or you don't. Simples.
• [Aside from one horribly disgusting one-night-stand] I will only have sex with you- after at least a month- after you have declared- publically and openly- that I am your girlfriend.
• I am well aware of my boundaries and don't let anyone push them. I don't tolerate manipulation or any form of violence. I despise lateness. I refuse to be stood up. I'm extremely high maintienance and refuse to apologise for the fact. And I will not and never have been (to my knowledge) been cheated on.

I have even gone so far as to say:
"If you find yourself being attracted to somebody else more than me... That's fine". Remember that men are biologically programmed to sow their seeds and attraction is a chemical and visual process involving all the senses. To expect a man to only be attracted to you is both selfish and completely unrealistic. "But if you want to explore something with that person, you're better off breaking up with me and coming back to me when you're done" If you have a chemical, physical, emotional and mental relationship he'll come back... If not, sorry hun, you're screwed. "But don't expect me to wait for you."

Ultimately, I've never actually had a guy break up with me to try his luck with another girl. Because of my boundaries my boyfriend's decided that trying their luck was a gamble they weren't willing to bet on. I also think that I probably wouldn't get back with a guy who went 'on a break' with me.

But I have gotten back with a guy I chose to go on a break with, after a gamble of my own... I do now hang my head in shame- because that guy really liked me...

Which leads me onto my next point.




Women get sprung on guys all the time... which wouldn't be a problem if you had CLARIFIED your position FIRST you stupid woman.

Have you ever said any of the following? :

• I don't need him to tell me he loves me. I can tell by the way he looks at me.
• I haven't seen him in three weeks... but it's cool, I get that he's busy.
• No he hasn't explained why he hasn't spoken to me all week... But he's busy, he doesn't need to update me every 5 minutes.
• He told me he's not ready/ doesn't have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend. 

If you've ever heard any or all of the above, you're allowing yourself to be played for a mug mate.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't treat you with respect or consideration... Because, you, my friend, are allowing him to.

Don't blame him. Blame yourself.

Harsh I realise, but do you really want me to spit on your cupcake and tell you it's frosting?
No.

Honesty is the best policy.

And honestly? People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

If a guy treats you like shit and you confront them, it's quite possible he might change his MO for a couple of weeks- but if he goes back to his old ways after a couple of weeks? That old dawg can't be taught any new tricks.

If, every time he misbehaves you slap his nose then give him a cuddle (cause you feel bad) your sending that puppy conflicting messages.



Two questions:

1. The Kool Aid Kid: Why is a man different to a puppy? You: Gee... I don't know! The Kool Aid Kid: A puppy grows up.
2. The Kool Aid Kid: Why is a man the same as a puppy? You: They're both so cute!!! The Kool Aid Kid: No, you idiot. They can both be trained.

Now. I'm sure i'm repeating myself but here I go: people treat you how you allow them to treat you.
So, if the next time he doesn't call when he says be will, will you:

a) Call him
b) Text him
c) Start a fight
d) Be too busy to notice and not call him for a week (because your life is that awesome?!)

The answer's d pretty girl.

Point is, the best punishment for animal's/ men (and children: ask SuperNanny) is ignoring bad behaviour and praising good behaviour.

If that means you have to give him head because he bought you diamonds... So be it sister.

XOXO

The Kool Aid Kid

She-ra the Great says... Don’t chat to me if:

Don’t chat to me if:

• You wear Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier.


• You promote ‘Top’ London Nightclubs full of z-lister’s and girls who get paid for sex.


• You pretend you're rich... by going to ‘Top’ London Nightclubs full of z-lister’s and girls who get paid for sex.


• You actively encourage chicks to dress like whores... Then criticise them for it later.


• Your idea of Hip Hop is Nelly, 50Cent or Twista. In fact, please kill yourself if this is the case.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne you didn’t buy.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne and the bottle is empty.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne that you had to share with 50 other heads... The whole night.


• You can’t speak, spell, read or write the English language.


• You don’t read.


• You don’t have a job


• You don’t have a legal job.


• You did a BTEC. (Sorry, but no.)


• You fancy Cheryl Cole.


• You attempt to look like (or want to be) Cheryl Cole.


• You have photos of your ‘crew’ and you are above the age of 21.


• You think you're an ‘MC’ or ‘Rapper’ and you haven’t broken into the industry... And you're over the age of 30... Or nearing it.


• Your idea of a film is ‘The Fast and the Furious’.


• You rent cars and pretend they belong to you.


• You rent cars and pretend they belong to you... By posting pictures of you and the car on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate.)


• You don’t like Big Pun.


• You don’t know who Big Pun is.


• You and your friends go out in matching outfits.


• You have 300 hundred contacts on your BBM (Please refer to ‘It’s not that season’ for a more accurate analogy.)


• You go to ‘City Raves’ on a weekly basis.


• You don’t go to the gym.


• You have baby-momma [or mummy] issues.


• You get elaborate shape-up... with patterns and shit... stop it right now.


• You think Lyle and Scott is ok. I assure you, it’s not.


• You go to Ayia Napa on the regs. (Again refer to ‘It’s not that season’)


• You think Nandos is an appropriate first date location.


• You think your house is an appropriate first date location.

Ms.BF’s word: Don’t chat to me if... You think reality TV is entertaining in a non-ironic way.

LADIES: Keep this list easily accessible at all times and NEVER stray or be tempted to make an exception.

That is all.

She-ra the Great.

The Kool Aid Kid Practises: The Early Withdrawal Method

“Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your reputation; for t’is better to be alone than in bad company.”

George Washington

Yesterday I was stood up for the first time ever.

First. Time. Ever.

EVER!

By a stupid American guy!

Considering I’m 25, I could choose to take it as compliment. But the fact that it’s happened at all? I actually can’t take.

Now I’m the first to admit I think all human beings are made up of a majority pride and ego. And I think your pride will allow either you to admit it or not. And my pride is f*#king smarting right now.

Here I am, all thinking Mr.America was all into me. And apparently I was wrong. I mean... I am one kickass superfox! Just ask my favourite self help book: It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken.

Note: Read it, it’s hilarious.

Only one process is acceptable in these instances.

The Early Withdrawal Method. (Get your mind out of the f*#king gutter.)

Step 1: Take a step back and analyse yourself. If you have issues doing this, get a friend [the blunter and bitchier the better] to do it for you. In my case I have my Co’d: She-ra the Great- who brought me back to reality from self-pityville with a rather painful bump.

It sounds something like this:

She-ra the Great: “OK, I get that you like this guy. He seemed genuinely nice. He’s relatively good looking. Did that mean you had to get all emotionally invested in the first guy who was nice to you?”

The Kool Aid Kid: “I wasn’t that into him StG. He was just. Nice.”

StG: “Is that why you’ve known him for 2 weeks and lately he’s all we seem to talk about?”

tKAK: “That’s not true... It’s just that I lead a really boring life. I have nothing else to talk about right now...”

StG: “That's b*llsh*t. You work full time; have an independent clothing label; your own house and two young children. 2 weeks dude... And you’ve centred your whole life around him already. Surely your self esteem can’t be that low?!” *scoffs in disbelief for painful emphasis*

tKAK: “You’re wrong, you spiteful bitch! Me and him? We have a lot in common! We could be soul mates!”

StG: “He’s going back to America in 6 weeks.”

tKAK: “Oh shit. I forgot about that.”

Just like a BandAid ladies. Swift, stings like a mutha and over with quickly.

Just like that- the wound is exposed.

But like all boo-boos, you need to let the air get to it, in order for it to heal.

Step 2: Go back to basics. Talk to no men for a least two weeks. Talk to your girlfriends. A lot. Unless you're bisexual- if you are; avoid those kinda girlfriends at all costs too. It’s time to take stock.

Step 3: The realisation. It may sound something like this

*In the Kool Aid Kid's head*: “Oh sh*t StG was totally right. Of course she had my best interests at heart. She’s my ‘Ride or Die’ B*tch.”

Quite possibly said without the side order of ‘ghetto’.

Step 4: Apologise for getting vexed at your Co’d. She was right.

She knows it. You know it. So does anyone who had to listen to you whine.

Your girl's a b*tch. That’s what attracted you to her in the first place.

Step 5: Dip your toes back in the dating pool. Like any self respecting boxer, it’s time to get back in the ring for the next round... Somebody has to win at some point. Right?!

Meet guys. Talk to guys. Flirt with guys. But keep it clean; no one likes a c*ck-tease.

Step 6: Proceed with caution. Practise the Early Withdrawal Method. Keep him on his toes. Your desired man wants to have the opportunity to win you round. And in order to win you round, you have to have your back to him.

In other words, give him the opportunity to come to you. Not the other way round.

And for those of you who are thick. A simple breakdown:

1. Do not reply to every email, instant message, facebook correspondence, text, bbm, phone call or text immediately. Give him a chance to wonder what you are doing. (The sh*t thing about technology is that you have so many ways to get at a person, women deem it inexcusable if they do not get an immediate reply. Word to the wise? MEN DO NOT THINK THIS LIKE THIS.)

2. Do not apologise or offer any form of explanation. Example: “Sorry I didn’t call you back straightaway there was a crisis in the frozen food section/ accessories department/ tanning booths.” He doesn’t care. He wants to imagine something mysterious and fun. Like Joey in Friends.

3. NEVER seem too available. Repeat after me: “I’m sorry, that's not a good day for me.” Refer back to point 2.

4. Then offer him a choice of dates that are good for you. “I can’t do Wednesday. I can do Saturday evening or next Thursday. If that's not good for you, it’ll have to be sometime the week after.” The point is to actually be busy. He wants to feel special for slotting into your [this busy and successful woman’s] life. Refer back to point 2.

Should you deviate at all from step 6, IMMEDIATELY go back to step 1. This is not a flow chart process, it is cyclical.

Whether you practise the early withdrawal method or not, never forget that men follow this cycle- they just don’t think about it. Women on the other hand: over think it.

Appendix 1

Your close/best girlfriend is not jealous of you. She doesn’t want to hurt you. Nor is she secretly in love with you.

The fact is; bluntness hurts because it gets us where we are most vulnerable: our egos. I don’t know you- but for some reason I am trying to help you too. Frankly if you don’t like what I have to say I don’t give a sh*t. But let me offer you some really good free advice: Get. Over. It.

There it is. Take it or leave it.

If you ask for advice, help and opinions, my dear, that’s what you're gonna get. And if you frequently don’t listen to that advice, help or opinion... that friend won’t be a shoulder to cry on or even a phone call away.

The point is your friend is trying to help you. That's why you went to her in the first place- to get her to offer you some perspective. And because she is not overly invested like you, clouded by some fairytale you’ve concocted in your head, she can call it for what it is: You are acting like a douche.

So is he. But your friend doesn’t know him and by extension doesn’t really care if he’s acting like a douche. That's what men/ women/ animals (delete as appropriate) do.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

XOXO The Kool Aid Kid

The Kool Aid Kid's Latest Style Crush

I have a serious problem...

I'm addicted to jewellery.

"We've heard that before" I hear you chorus...

But no. You haven't quite seen it like this before.

I spend my money on three things for myself; Food, Books and Jewellery.

I developed an interest in charm bracelets when I was 14- and begged till I was I bought a pre 1900's bracelet from the vintage market in Greenwich.

I now seem to have a charm bracelet (or charm) from every country I have visited, every birthday, Christmas and anniversary- from several boyfriend's, my Mama, family and friends.

So with my very first pay check ever, I bought myself a Thomas Sabo charm bracelet and butterfly charm.

Their latest collection though, has me drooling. It combines some of my greatest loves...

Motorbikes, men that are rebels... and silver jewellery *sigh*




Anyone want to buy me one?!?!

XOXO

The Kool Aid Kid

She-ra the Great says...

It's not that season:

• 
  
  If you wear Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier.


• If you talk about getting shot.


• If you take pictures with a butters girl, post them on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) to get back at your ex.


• If your status updates are more over share than Kerry Katona on a ‘bad’ day. Or Jordan on a ‘good’ day.


• If you insist on being topless... when the gym has yet to take effect.


• If you're illiterate.


• If you pretend your rich.


• If you're a man who is a bitch.


• If you do trigger fingers in clubs. (Word to the wise? Worse that peace signs)


• If you're obsessed with your ‘whip’- grow a dick.


• If you chat about how many women you’ve shagged on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate) You're a wasteman.


• If you're a wasteman.


• If you still live with your mum. You're 30. And make a point of publicising it.


• If you use American slang.


• If you use American slang and you're from the British suburbs.


• If you're from the suburbs and you think your ‘hood’.


• If you add girls you don’t know on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)


• If you use MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate) to stalk girls.


• If you're a psychopath.


• If you're too bitter for my liking.


• If you take pictures with your rented car.


• If you take pictures of yourself.


• If you take pictures of yourself alone.


• If you take pictures of yourself in mirrors. Alone.


• If you take pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Alone.


• If you thread or wax your eyebrows.


• If you wear a medallion and stunners.


• If you use the phrases ‘still’ and ‘real talk’ at the beginning and end of every sentence.


• If you take pictures of all money and post it on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)


• You try to ‘Mac’ at the bus stop.


• If you ask girls ‘are you gonna bang doe’ or ‘079 me?’


• If you wear a rosary and embellished belt with your ‘tag’ or ‘road’ name


• If you use ‘swagga’ to describe yourself.

Ms.BF’s word: It’s not that season if... you PDA vomit on Facebook/ Twitter/ BBM/ MSN/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)

Picture this pathetic scene: If you are in Ayia Napa, wearing Ed Hardy jeans, stunner shades, a medallion, Gucci or Prada Trainers on your feet next to your best friend in his best Lyle and Scott shirt, blaring ‘Are you gonna bang doe’ from your rented car while taking pictures of you and your best friend sitting on the hood, holding shit loads of fake £20 notes that you're going to post on Facebook/ Twitter/ BBM/ MSN/ Myspace (Delete as appropriate)as evidence.

It. Is. REALLY. Not. That. Season.

That is all.

She-re the Great.