Shera the Great says...

I can't WAIT for the Lib Dem/Tory 'alliance'.
How very modern to let two opposing parties unite and rule the country.
It'll be like Batman and The Joker becoming friends...

She-ra the Great says... Don’t chat to me if:

Don’t chat to me if:

• You wear Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier.


• You promote ‘Top’ London Nightclubs full of z-lister’s and girls who get paid for sex.


• You pretend you're rich... by going to ‘Top’ London Nightclubs full of z-lister’s and girls who get paid for sex.


• You actively encourage chicks to dress like whores... Then criticise them for it later.


• Your idea of Hip Hop is Nelly, 50Cent or Twista. In fact, please kill yourself if this is the case.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne you didn’t buy.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne and the bottle is empty.


• You have pictures of yourself on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) of yourself holding champagne that you had to share with 50 other heads... The whole night.


• You can’t speak, spell, read or write the English language.


• You don’t read.


• You don’t have a job


• You don’t have a legal job.


• You did a BTEC. (Sorry, but no.)


• You fancy Cheryl Cole.


• You attempt to look like (or want to be) Cheryl Cole.


• You have photos of your ‘crew’ and you are above the age of 21.


• You think you're an ‘MC’ or ‘Rapper’ and you haven’t broken into the industry... And you're over the age of 30... Or nearing it.


• Your idea of a film is ‘The Fast and the Furious’.


• You rent cars and pretend they belong to you.


• You rent cars and pretend they belong to you... By posting pictures of you and the car on Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate.)


• You don’t like Big Pun.


• You don’t know who Big Pun is.


• You and your friends go out in matching outfits.


• You have 300 hundred contacts on your BBM (Please refer to ‘It’s not that season’ for a more accurate analogy.)


• You go to ‘City Raves’ on a weekly basis.


• You don’t go to the gym.


• You have baby-momma [or mummy] issues.


• You get elaborate shape-up... with patterns and shit... stop it right now.


• You think Lyle and Scott is ok. I assure you, it’s not.


• You go to Ayia Napa on the regs. (Again refer to ‘It’s not that season’)


• You think Nandos is an appropriate first date location.


• You think your house is an appropriate first date location.

Ms.BF’s word: Don’t chat to me if... You think reality TV is entertaining in a non-ironic way.

LADIES: Keep this list easily accessible at all times and NEVER stray or be tempted to make an exception.

That is all.

She-ra the Great.

She-ra the Great says...

It's not that season:

• 
  
  If you wear Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier.


• If you talk about getting shot.


• If you take pictures with a butters girl, post them on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace (delete as appropriate) to get back at your ex.


• If your status updates are more over share than Kerry Katona on a ‘bad’ day. Or Jordan on a ‘good’ day.


• If you insist on being topless... when the gym has yet to take effect.


• If you're illiterate.


• If you pretend your rich.


• If you're a man who is a bitch.


• If you do trigger fingers in clubs. (Word to the wise? Worse that peace signs)


• If you're obsessed with your ‘whip’- grow a dick.


• If you chat about how many women you’ve shagged on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate) You're a wasteman.


• If you're a wasteman.


• If you still live with your mum. You're 30. And make a point of publicising it.


• If you use American slang.


• If you use American slang and you're from the British suburbs.


• If you're from the suburbs and you think your ‘hood’.


• If you add girls you don’t know on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)


• If you use MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate) to stalk girls.


• If you're a psychopath.


• If you're too bitter for my liking.


• If you take pictures with your rented car.


• If you take pictures of yourself.


• If you take pictures of yourself alone.


• If you take pictures of yourself in mirrors. Alone.


• If you take pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Alone.


• If you thread or wax your eyebrows.


• If you wear a medallion and stunners.


• If you use the phrases ‘still’ and ‘real talk’ at the beginning and end of every sentence.


• If you take pictures of all money and post it on MSN/ BBM/ Facebook/ Twitter/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)


• You try to ‘Mac’ at the bus stop.


• If you ask girls ‘are you gonna bang doe’ or ‘079 me?’


• If you wear a rosary and embellished belt with your ‘tag’ or ‘road’ name


• If you use ‘swagga’ to describe yourself.

Ms.BF’s word: It’s not that season if... you PDA vomit on Facebook/ Twitter/ BBM/ MSN/ Myspace. (Delete as appropriate)

Picture this pathetic scene: If you are in Ayia Napa, wearing Ed Hardy jeans, stunner shades, a medallion, Gucci or Prada Trainers on your feet next to your best friend in his best Lyle and Scott shirt, blaring ‘Are you gonna bang doe’ from your rented car while taking pictures of you and your best friend sitting on the hood, holding shit loads of fake £20 notes that you're going to post on Facebook/ Twitter/ BBM/ MSN/ Myspace (Delete as appropriate)as evidence.

It. Is. REALLY. Not. That. Season.

That is all.

She-re the Great.