.jpg)
Don’t chat to me if:
Ms.BF’s word: Don’t chat to me if... You think reality TV is entertaining in a non-ironic way.
LADIES: Keep this list easily accessible at all times and NEVER stray or be tempted to make an exception.
That is all.
She-ra the Great.
I came across this poem on 1kwords’ deviantART profile and wanted to share it with you all.
Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of.
Spiders and lice and wee little mice, that’s what little girls are made of.
Alabaster skin and emerald eyes and ruby red lips to hide all her lies, that's what little girls are made of.
A forked silver tongue and a head full of bats, pierced dimpled cheeks and claws like a cat, that's what little girls are made of.
Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of.
False promises and lies made through half open eyes, with angelic eyes and feminine wiles, that’s what little girls are made of.
An appetite for money and a c*#t made of honey, that’s what little girls are made of.
Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of,
And deceit and pain and betrayal for gain, that’s what little girls are made of...
I can admit that women can be c*#ts. Can you?
XOXO The Kool Aid Kid
Fashion Designers
Vivienne Westwood
Alexander McQueen
Coco Channel
Karl Lagerfield
Christian Dior
John Galliano
Jimmy Choo
Christian Louboutin
Manolo Blahnik
British High Street
American Apparel
Uniqlo
Clarkes
Laura Ashley
Dune
Cath Kidston
Oasis
River Island
These are a few of my favourite things
Reading
Harajuku Lovers Perfume
Films
Victoria’s Secrets Scents
Afternoon Tea
Laduree Chestnut/ Pistachio Macaroons
Organic Peppermint Tea
Rush Hair Salons
Cupcakes
Phantom Of The Opera
Whoopie Cakes
Miss Saigon
Vintage Dress Patterns
Paper Crafting
Melt’s Blackberry Cinnamon Chocolate
David Aston Roses
“Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your reputation; for t’is better to be alone than in bad company.”
George Washington
Yesterday I was stood up for the first time ever.
First. Time. Ever.
EVER!
By a stupid American guy!
Considering I’m 25, I could choose to take it as compliment. But the fact that it’s happened at all? I actually can’t take.
Now I’m the first to admit I think all human beings are made up of a majority pride and ego. And I think your pride will allow either you to admit it or not. And my pride is f*#king smarting right now.
Here I am, all thinking Mr.America was all into me. And apparently I was wrong. I mean... I am one kickass superfox! Just ask my favourite self help book: It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken.
Note: Read it, it’s hilarious.
Only one process is acceptable in these instances.
The Early Withdrawal Method. (Get your mind out of the f*#king gutter.)
Step 1: Take a step back and analyse yourself. If you have issues doing this, get a friend [the blunter and bitchier the better] to do it for you. In my case I have my Co’d: She-ra the Great- who brought me back to reality from self-pityville with a rather painful bump.
It sounds something like this:
She-ra the Great: “OK, I get that you like this guy. He seemed genuinely nice. He’s relatively good looking. Did that mean you had to get all emotionally invested in the first guy who was nice to you?”
The Kool Aid Kid: “I wasn’t that into him StG. He was just. Nice.”
StG: “Is that why you’ve known him for 2 weeks and lately he’s all we seem to talk about?”
tKAK: “That’s not true... It’s just that I lead a really boring life. I have nothing else to talk about right now...”
StG: “That's b*llsh*t. You work full time; have an independent clothing label; your own house and two young children. 2 weeks dude... And you’ve centred your whole life around him already. Surely your self esteem can’t be that low?!” *scoffs in disbelief for painful emphasis*
tKAK: “You’re wrong, you spiteful bitch! Me and him? We have a lot in common! We could be soul mates!”
StG: “He’s going back to America in 6 weeks.”
tKAK: “Oh shit. I forgot about that.”
Just like a BandAid ladies. Swift, stings like a mutha and over with quickly.
Just like that- the wound is exposed.
But like all boo-boos, you need to let the air get to it, in order for it to heal.
Step 2: Go back to basics. Talk to no men for a least two weeks. Talk to your girlfriends. A lot. Unless you're bisexual- if you are; avoid those kinda girlfriends at all costs too. It’s time to take stock.
Step 3: The realisation. It may sound something like this
*In the Kool Aid Kid's head*: “Oh sh*t StG was totally right. Of course she had my best interests at heart. She’s my ‘Ride or Die’ B*tch.”
Quite possibly said without the side order of ‘ghetto’.
Step 4: Apologise for getting vexed at your Co’d. She was right.
She knows it. You know it. So does anyone who had to listen to you whine.
Your girl's a b*tch. That’s what attracted you to her in the first place.
Step 5: Dip your toes back in the dating pool. Like any self respecting boxer, it’s time to get back in the ring for the next round... Somebody has to win at some point. Right?!
Meet guys. Talk to guys. Flirt with guys. But keep it clean; no one likes a c*ck-tease.
Step 6: Proceed with caution. Practise the Early Withdrawal Method. Keep him on his toes. Your desired man wants to have the opportunity to win you round. And in order to win you round, you have to have your back to him.
In other words, give him the opportunity to come to you. Not the other way round.
And for those of you who are thick. A simple breakdown:
1. Do not reply to every email, instant message, facebook correspondence, text, bbm, phone call or text immediately. Give him a chance to wonder what you are doing. (The sh*t thing about technology is that you have so many ways to get at a person, women deem it inexcusable if they do not get an immediate reply. Word to the wise? MEN DO NOT THINK THIS LIKE THIS.)
2. Do not apologise or offer any form of explanation. Example: “Sorry I didn’t call you back straightaway there was a crisis in the frozen food section/ accessories department/ tanning booths.” He doesn’t care. He wants to imagine something mysterious and fun. Like Joey in Friends.
3. NEVER seem too available. Repeat after me: “I’m sorry, that's not a good day for me.” Refer back to point 2.
4. Then offer him a choice of dates that are good for you. “I can’t do Wednesday. I can do Saturday evening or next Thursday. If that's not good for you, it’ll have to be sometime the week after.” The point is to actually be busy. He wants to feel special for slotting into your [this busy and successful woman’s] life. Refer back to point 2.
Should you deviate at all from step 6, IMMEDIATELY go back to step 1. This is not a flow chart process, it is cyclical.
Whether you practise the early withdrawal method or not, never forget that men follow this cycle- they just don’t think about it. Women on the other hand: over think it.
Appendix 1
Your close/best girlfriend is not jealous of you. She doesn’t want to hurt you. Nor is she secretly in love with you.
The fact is; bluntness hurts because it gets us where we are most vulnerable: our egos. I don’t know you- but for some reason I am trying to help you too. Frankly if you don’t like what I have to say I don’t give a sh*t. But let me offer you some really good free advice: Get. Over. It.
There it is. Take it or leave it.
If you ask for advice, help and opinions, my dear, that’s what you're gonna get. And if you frequently don’t listen to that advice, help or opinion... that friend won’t be a shoulder to cry on or even a phone call away.
The point is your friend is trying to help you. That's why you went to her in the first place- to get her to offer you some perspective. And because she is not overly invested like you, clouded by some fairytale you’ve concocted in your head, she can call it for what it is: You are acting like a douche.
So is he. But your friend doesn’t know him and by extension doesn’t really care if he’s acting like a douche. That's what men/ women/ animals (delete as appropriate) do.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
XOXO The Kool Aid Kid
Bessie Braddock: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more, you’re disgustingly drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more you’re disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”
Several things:
1. It is my sister C’s birthday.
2. It is my Aunt L’s birthday.
3. It is my Uncle J’s birthday.
4. I have a hangover.
I have a family dinner in 3 hours and have had 2 and a half hours sleep.
Ouch.
Pray for me.
XOXO The Kool Aid Kid
